"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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