wrigley field is MILF paradise
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
