Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
