I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
