You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He felt like a one man threesome
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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