Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
