Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
