I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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