I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
