u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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