Your face is a jimmy john
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
