Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
