There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Ladies don't puke and tell
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
