At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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