ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
