i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
