On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
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That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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