The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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