alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
