Got a toothbrush?
Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
