I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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