im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
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Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We have so much sex to catch up on
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Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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