drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
