It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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