You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
