Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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