he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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