All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
