Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
