At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
