I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
