eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
