I met the friendliest cop last night
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
