so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
