god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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