i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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