my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
