Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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