a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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