I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
His hands were made for my vagina.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Randomize
