Me too!
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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