What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
