He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
