I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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