and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
