Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i think i have two assholes
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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