Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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