I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
