I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
