I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
