Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
