I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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