Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
